I dwell and thrill more in silence. You will find me hibernating in my room whenever am not doing something substantial. My haven! Yes. Am that introverted. I recent lazy talk which makes others ask me if am ok. (I totally I’m mostly). The weird thing about this character of ours is that it always nudges you to dread meetings. Be it in the supermarket, the streets or even that party you were overly excited and confirmed to attend.
Whenever I find myself at such meetings I always pray that they go smoothly. That I find one person who we can really connect and we can always hang together. I wish to find a baby I can make myself busy with or gatherings that will just be ‘listening meetings.’ No interactions whatsoever.
So… have you ever found yourself in a matatu and there’s a person who happens to know you. An acquaintance for that matter. You exchange greetings and you being ‘You’ avoid the same sitting because really- what are you going to talk about? So you head to the back seat where when it’s time to alight they have to go their way without waiting for you. You wish they won’t wait up for you for that chinwag of “how have you been, it’s been long and other ados that finally end with ‘Otherwise…’ because of some sort of awkwardness in between.
You pray silently that they do not pay your fair because;
- It’s just 20-50 bob.
- You have to make an effort to thank them after arrival which leads to that lazy banter you were avoiding in the first place.
I mean, there are times when I’m broke I wish to find someone to offer to pay for my transport but sometimes it just is indistinct. It would quite be significant if you paid my bus fare to coast. And so I suck it up, smile and put up with the most uncomfortable moment before I get to wherever I am going. I don’t know if it’s just me but there is always that quiet serenity when you are in your own thoughts in that matatu or bus especially when you are next to a window. I can literally go to London and back in my head. I can remember the 2011 fun scenario and chuckle at myself. I can look at someone and smile but am not really smiling at you.
I have serious and real conversations going on.
Anyway, at the end of the journey, I thank your kind soul and gesture for that fare. I will make sure to pass it on to the next person.
Living by myself has really made me learn to talk to people even though my desire is to keep it to myself. For starters, I could not live with a broken flush handle in my toilet. It’s not that I don’t know how to bring it up, it just seems a lot of work allowing someone inside your circle. Inside your protective case. Your heart races at the thought of breaking the ice. This is especially when you have to explain yourself and give answers. You have so many thoughts flushing in your head. All bouncing without answers. Buzzing of what if’s and How should I? etc etc.
Hanging clothes from the second floor was a nightmare at first. What if my pegs all drop down, worst case what if that white towel spews all the way down?
Mind you there’s water rationing. Am already tired from a busy day. Then I get back to kneading the towel? What happens to the clothes hanging from the first floor now that the person is not in to take them out and they have already dried? And if they are in how do I start knocking at their doors asking them to unhang their clothes? My mind is a fog of thoughts that may or may not have answers. Implementing them is what seems like rock science for any person like me. It is insane!!
But now I get the hang of it. I can embrace my introversion and still be independent. Act and ask for my rights at the same time. It’s all in the adaption process. But am trying. I get to enjoy my quiet moments alone. It’s everything! Of course visits from loved ones are cherished, but when it’s over, I cope.
Until next time, let’s keep hiding 🙂
Adios.
WHERE THOUGHTS AND REALITY ARE INTERTWINED: By MegagaChiku 